Preparing for a Master's degree

I've been studying for two weeks now, pretty much every day, preparing myself for an admission exam to enroll in a master's degree.

The postgraduate program is called Master's Degree in Electrical Engineering Sciences, with specialization in Computer Engineering, or something along those lines, because the program is in spanish. What a mouthful, but honestly, it sounds cool.

I honestly have no idea if I want to evne do this. But the idea has been growing in me. Even during undergrad, I've always thought what it would be like to study a postgraduate program. Back then, it didn't seem like something very realistic. So I pretty much brushed off the idea every single time, for years. I mean, during my undergrad, month after month, life kept kicking my ass. Many assignments or courses constantly wrecked me. While I did enjoy the programming-related courses, there was so much stuff that had me completely lost. There were some courses that were very boring, some felt almost impossible for me. I was pretty bad at Algebra, and I have no idea -- and it feels almost as if my brain completely destroyed the memories in order to protect my mental health -- of how I even passed Calculus I - IV. Seriously, right now, if you were to point a gun to my head, and told me to solve an integral, you might as well just shot me right then.

Linear Algebra wasn't that bad, I at least felt that I knew more or less what I was doing, still, my performance there was bad. I failed multiple exams and had to repeat the entire course to pass it on the second run. And I did, after some effort and a little luck.

Then there was Discrete Math which felt interesting and I was more or less following it. Some things about Discrete Math felt easy or not that bad but many things felt, just weird and it costed me low grades on more than one exam. Still, I passed that one without a huge amount of effort, which kinda opened the way -- along other subjects -- to something called Statistics and Probability, or something like that. That was was hard. First half of the course wasn't that bad but the latter half went wild -- or I think I remember that -- but I still managed to pass.

I took Algorithms -- called Analysis of Algorithms -- around fifth or sixth semester. This was so damn interesting. It was hard, especially some elements of the first half. But it also was interesting. Very interesting. It took me a good amount of effort but I passed it, and it was satisfying, even if I have to admit that I didn't fully internalized the entire course. Something similar happened with Data Structures. Not to mention that my Algorithms professor was such an amazing person. Old-ish and wise, Doctor Juan José Flores, really taught us Algorithms in a very sciency way. Made me feel great becase it constantly reminded me that I piced this program -- Computer Engineering -- in search of the closest thing to Computer Science available in my city. Well, Doctor Flores really made me feel, in each session, like I was studying Algorithms from a top grade American University. And uh, it is interesting because as far as I know, I think he is currently teaching Computer Science in the University of Oregon. Yeah, I just checked: he is the director of Undergraduate Studies at the Computer Science Faculty. Cool.

I mean the point is that, Computer Programming, Data Structures, their labs, Databases, Programming Paradigms, Algorithms and even Computer Networks, a little, were courses I actually cared for, and I actually tried at them, and I passed many of them easily. Others not so much, but I still tackled them willingly and, for a lack of a better term, happily.

But oh boy, oh no: The Electrical Engineering courses were actual hell: Analogical Electronics I and II, Digital Electronics, their labs, Analogical Control, Electrical Circuits and so on and so forth, those courses were extremely hard for me, mostly because it was stuff that I honestly just couldn't force myself to like. And yeah, right now, and even back then, I kept thinking time and time again that I had made a huge mistake by enrolling into Computer Engineering. Even if it was my only option in my city, hell, I should have made the effort of going to other state to pursue a pure Computer Science plan/degree. It could have been Mexico City or Puebla, as far as I know. But I didn't.

Numerical Methods also kicked my ass. Hard. Taught by Doctor Félix Calderón, in my third semester in the faculty. Why the hell is Numerical Methods a third semester course? Back in third semester, yeah, I should have a solid grasp of Algebra and Calculus I and I think even Calculus II. But it honestly felt like it was still too soon, and again, I was a mediocre student. Not terrible, but indeed mediocre. A student like me, I think, would have been way more prepared for a course like Numerical Methods at like, seventh semester or something. With way more experience in math and programming. Well, there I was, thrown into Numerical Methods, taught by a very strict professor who expected nothing but excellence. It was a very hard year. My programming skills were subpar in C, and I was thrown just like that to Matlab. Right now it sounds like just your regular monday, but learning a new programming language -- in that case, a second programming language -- was extremely hard and alien. That on top of the requirements of -- mostly -- Algebra and Linear Algebra, I was so lost. And yeah, wow, right now as I write this, I am remembering, crystal clear, that even Doctor Calderón said something along the lines of "I don't know why Linear Algebra is not a requisite for this course". Holy shit. Even he knew. Still, there I was, struggling. I failed that course almost two times but miraculously passed. Maybe Doctor Calderón was easy on me, to be completely honest.

And now, I've been studying non-stop for two weeks in preparation to go back to the Faculty?

The Faculty of Electrical Engineering called me an "external", by the way.

I graduated as a Bachelor in Computer Engineering back in January 2026, which is a success in itself, of course.

Stupidly, after years of being completely unable to find a Software Engineering job, and after 10+ years of a job that I hate (done full-time, part-time and remote), I stupidly decided to try my luck and approach the Academic Secretary of my faculty, back in February-March, asking for a chace to start teaching.

"I'm good at programming subjects" I said, eager and with dreamy eyes, maybe. "What are you going to teach? You have no experience, you know nothing about the field" the Academic Secretary -- who will remain anonymous -- said.

This broke something in me, that I didn't know was there. I spent 4 years in the Colegio de San Nicolás de Hidalgo. I spent 8+ years in the Faculty of Electrical Engineering, pursuing my degree in engineering. I am a Nicolaita. I am the Nicolaita. I've been a Nicolaita for 14 years or more. I am a humanist. I love and admire the deep and rich story of my State, my City and my University. I go all the time, maybe once every two months or so, to Pátzcuaro, to touch the stone of the building in which was originally founded the Colegio de San Nicolás de Obispo, by Don Vasco de Quiroga. Every time I walk past the Colegio de San Nicolás, in my city, I pass my hand along the rose stone it is built by. I studied an engineering program at the Faculty of Electrical Engineering like my father before me, did. I internalized the FIE feeling. I feel identified, I carry the both FIE and the UMSNH identity as part of my own identity. Again, I was part of the FIE for a decade, as a student, as a pupil, as someone who was always eager to interact with many professors, someone who always looked for guidance and mentorship, someone who listened, someone who understood the study plan and the why's of why was the Computer Engineering layed the way it is, unlike the idiots that kept repeating that the study plan was "outdated". I know why things are the way they are. Even though I hated some courses, I understood the idea. I understood that Computer Engineering is like a child of Electrical Engineering. I understand that Computer Engineering is the result of Computer Science marrying Electrical Engineering. Even if I am a Computer Engineer and I choose to identify more as some sort of Computer Scientist or Software Engineer, I understand what Computer Engineering is. I embraced it.

⊕ Been here for decades.

And this person calls me "an extern". As if saying "we are only hiring people from the group, our community. And you are not part of the community. You're out of here."

I kept studying after finishing my required courses and before getting my actual degree, I didn't study for my CENEVAL exam -- the one needed to certify that I have the knowledge necessary to graduate without writing a thesis --, as I still keep studying. I tried my best to stay away from webdev, which I really dislike. I kept studying some C, and kept an interest in systems programming and systems languages. Learned a bit of Go, C++ and even some Rust. I kept practicing, I've read some books on programming, even if only skimming some and leaving some others unfinished. I've touched on interesting little projects, I might be a little disrespectful by affirming the following, but I'd go as far as to say that I know more about programming than some of the professors currently hired for programming courses at the FIE. Hell, the dude that was teaching Operating Systems in 2021 had absolutely no fucking idea what he was doing. He had us making Power Point presentations in groups about fucking Windows 7 and Windows XP and Ubuntu. Then as a final project he had us do stuff like a calculator or a fucking agenda in Python. That's what Operating Systems was in that person's mind. That person had a master's in God knows what, had experience, and was hired to taught advanced topics at the undergrad level.

But I am the one who has no experience.

Again, after three or even a little more years trying to find a job, being rejected and humilliated by the software industry. And now being rejected, humilliated, expelled, thrown away by my own University and Faculty; hurt, for whatever reason, I ramble in my mind with the idea about going back. Going back and apply to a Master's degree.

Am I making a logic decision? I don't know. Hell, I don't even know if I will do it.

Am I parting from hurt feelings? From rejection? Maybe. But that's not entirely bad. Some people achieve great things because theire ambition or drive is fueled in part by pain.

Is this for me? No idea. Probably not. As I said, maths and other courses KICKED. MY. ASS. During undergrad. But here I am, refreshing and trying to strengthen my shitty Algebra in preparation for Calculus and Numerical Methods, for two weeks at the time of writing this.

Actually, I've been consulting many people, including my girlfriend, my father, my mother, some friends and many members of my family. Including many professors who taught in undergrad and/or postraduate levels at the faculty. It's like I'm collecting opinions or advice. I've been told by many to do it. I've been told by some to... not do it.

I might fail. I could really hit my face against a very hard wall.

Even if I pass the exam and be admitted, even if I pass the first semester and the next, and eventually finish and graduate as a Master in Science, I might still fail.

Because the Industry is... just very weird right now. What the hell does the industry want, anyway? I've heard stories of people saying that a master's actually helped them get a good job. But ironically, I've heard way more stories of people saying the opposite; that for whatever reason, companies dislike people with postgraduates. Why?

I mean, one of my big hopes, as I mentioned, was to be more ellegible, more suited to be an academic, to actually be considered to teach. I do think that I have some potential to be a good teacher. I like being around young people. I want to TRY to inspire people, and other young people. Maybe that's why it feels like this path is calling me. I don't know.

Again, I don't know if I actually will study a master's. I'm preparing myself. Like I said, Algebra, Calculus, Discrete Math, Programming and Data Structures, and Numerical Methods.

I am very scared and very intimidated.

I am undecided.

But I suppose it's ironic.

I suppose someone who is studying multiple hours a day, without anyone watching, withought being told by anyone to do so, without reward, is not actually undecided at all....